Maturity

I can go from loving something to hating it the next minute. For example I was super excited that Owl City were touring with Cobra Starship next year, now I really couldn't care. I listened to 'their' entire album, and it sounded like Hellogoodbye and the Postal Service fused together except it was only 1/4 of the Postal Service. The Postal Service are too brilliant to be compared to Owl City. But I have to admit that the song Vanilla Twilight is very cutesy and very catchy.

El Scorcho by Weezer is number one on my playlist. I love Ludo,Weezer and Motion City. I am a sucker for clever lyrics.

Anywho, I was watching Gossip Girl last night. I'm very anti-Gossip Girl but I have to admit that it is quite interesting. They are really all just a bunch of superficial kids who have everything but don't appreciate it. They mess up their own lives.

I'm having a small party at my house to celebrate my 17th Birthday. It'll be two days before my birthday but I think it'll be fun! I haven't seen my friends since school ended and I really wanted to see everyone before the New Year. I only invited five of my closest friends and now everyone thinks I fear no one turning up and that I only have five friends! Well my big sister thinks so at least. I've never been a party girl. Parties around here are so overrated, kids get drunk and table dance. It is really an awful sight. WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT? Oh that's right, flushed down the toilet like your vomit.

How close is close enough?

Everything has been so bland. There's a fortress around my heart. And for the tenth time I'm admitting that I fall in love with ideas not people. Ideas latch on to the walls of my mind, and the more adhesive they become the more hungry I get to turn these ideas into something tangible.

For the sake of my sanity, I really do hope I get to go to the Philippines. I really need a change of atmosphere. I at first resolved that I'd go nowhere, that I'd stick to studying and hanging out with friends at local haunts during the summer. But I figured that that isn't possible.

I'm kind of scared that I'll be traveling all by myself. I imagine being on a plane for eight hours by myself, sitting next to complete strangers and occupying myself with my iTouch-although I don't think I could resist talking to the currently non existent strangers.For example yesterday I saw a kid with a pet bird on his shoulder and as uncanny as it was I couldn't help but smile at him. Also sometimes I feel obliged to smile at people that walk past me, just to be polite and neighborly.

So I'm decisive now. I want to go. I want to get away. This is me falling in love with another idea. But I figure if I go it would be good, kind of like Lena going to Greece. I'm not betting on meeting a Kostos. I don't really care for boys. I'm apathetic at the moment because I end up just hating myself for ever liking anyone when they let me down. And trust me- I've been let down quite a bit.

I've had enough of high maintenance people who require constant attention and acquire instant gratification through moping around. People who chose not deal with the consequences and try to attain happiness by dragging everyone else down to their level of shitness. This has become a rant. But I'm through with people who are all talk no action.

Beverly became a fan of being your own person.

We dictate our own sense of personal happiness despite the fact that external factors have the most sway. Sure, we can feign happiness and pretend that life is great, that our friends love us and we've found the perfect niche at school. You've got to lose friends to make some, right?

I was irked at first but I've learned a lot. Belonging does not manifest itself in attire, nor does it manifest itself in speaking just like everybody around you. You have a set of friends that may not like everything you like and understand all your idiosyncrasies, but they're their for you, not just for the joy rides, the finite moments of elation but for the long run, for the here and now.

Normandie and Boston are but a few places to run away to.

I have a sore throat.
Never again will I drink a Golden Gaytime Krusher.

I hate this.

Last day of school: 2009

It has been such a great year, despite the speed to which it passed.
The best math teacher I've had for ages has left to go to London to teach at The Oratory.
I teared up twice today, because he's such an awesome teacher. The box we filled with gifts was really emotional because everyone just gathered round to read all the tags. I put tags on each of the objects, explaining why we got him what we got.
And now I'm just imagining which teacher will care enough to check I've done every math exercise conceivable.
So next year we'll enter Math class and be so displaced.

Great

The Temper Trap
The Sundance Kids
The Grates
Amy Meredith
Wolfmother

Sometimes I feel like Alice

Dear Self,

All of the world
the tinges of gray and violet swirls,
are but mismatched patterns and mismatched colours
they do not blend