I'm rewriting my studies of religion paper and i can't help but feel scientific terms make things sound less human.
I think of it this way, if we speak less conversationally we siphon emotion till everything becomes disjointed. When the human psyche and raw emotion can't connect, is when we draw ourselves away. We become transparent wisps of vapour and all that fills our mind is:











Just that.

I cling onto words. I construct sentences that perfectly trace the contours of one word, one pretty word. I give it a suit because it is already holding flowers. My feelings are the stilts to which these pretty words walk on, when it is these pretty words that should be stepped on, pounded to the dirt till nothing will blossom, till it is reduced to an unparalleled savergy. Salvage a petal. Salvage it, try but you can't.

I think maybe if i weren't so fustrated all the time and maybe if my mum wasn't so frustrated all the time, i wouldn't be frustrated all the time.
I'm not perfect. Can perfection be defined? It's a useless word. We say things are perfect when they aren't. Are we liars?
What is a liar.
I have lied.

Funny how i trust my brain sometimes. I didn't want to throw the straw away but logic got in the way and said that there are plenty of straws left. So i threw it away. But logic cannot grapple with time. Before there were plenty of straws, but the thing is- that was before. And now is when i'm angry at my brain.
Straws are nice, but not when they are miscible with trash and you really want one.

Sometimes you have to give in.
Did you know it's best to flow?
Why must we be puppets of gravity? when clouds get to hover?
Birds fly and stretches of grass can ripple.
The thing is:
We beg to differ. We remain unchanged.
A summer breeze will locate us, but even indifference is static and sympathy non existent for a breeze who has escaped the shackles of winter to find us.
Our hands are empty. There is no exchange when one offers and the other declines.

I've been freaking out quite a lot, with exams and all.
I'm particularly worried with chemistry and math, and so i've been having late night cram sessions, doing math when everyone else is asleep.
Sleeping late is a daily occurence.


Pan's Labryinth is such a good movie, we've been watching it for advanced english. It's quite freaky at times, and it has its gory moments and i haven't watched all of it- but so far so good.

someone please explain why people like to live in emotional bubbles.

What do you do when everyone is so deeply unhappy?
There has been much screaming and yelling, all conversations revolve around problems or potential problems.
Everyone wants to run away, no one wants to stay.
Let's all jump out the window.
No let's not,
because that would mean dying.
No one wants that.
What do people want?
No problems.
I am so frustrated that i've joined in, screaming was never this fun, yelling never so raw.
I am angry for many reasons.
No one really cares.
But each time i come up with a million bitter things to say.
I swear a lot in my head, but the words are never uttured.

Story

This afternoon was spent at Liverpool Library with Gyndee and Chariz (Charisse) ,
It was pretty much a hang day- from a really long day at school, which was characterised by several talks, ranging from date rape, to studying (biggest bore i've ever met, it was bore session to the extreme) to celebrating safely to the importance of staying in school.
Anywho @ the library after getting all our books for our historical investigation we had an ickle fickle with our libraries cards. Mine was long expired and i tried to replace it with a new one but i was underage- freaking sixteen years old- i have a licence and a state library card but i can't have a local library card without parental consent! (being 18 would have been really helpful). So the librarian snapped my card and she laughed "it's so old that it's brittle!" (Why thank you for your input- my geriatric library card sure apprecaites it)
We ended up borrowing everything on Gyndee's card!
Then we walked to Westfields! Our math teacher was walking on the street and we were like "sir!!!" and he gave a salute!
Ahh funny.

We first went to Dymocks and touched every book in store.
And had ice cream
And came home at 6.40ish!

We all need a reason to believe.

My input on Cameron's street sign . We went there today, Cam reclaimed it. It was a long walk. I came home at around 4.50pm, i felt like a rebel.
I had:
a. Grafitied on a street sign that did not belong to the street it was placed on.
b. Came home late!

It was a risk , i hadn't told my parents where i would be after school. But now that i think of it, i don't think it was a big deal to them.

We walked up the field, across the pond and took a shortcut through Terangle Close, and found the street sign. I wrote around it, and to read what Cameron wrote and what i wrote you'd have to walk around the pole.
Cameron wrote sweet stuff on it.
i like this the best: the key to self actualisation is self providence

After walking around Prestons, i walked home and it began to rain.
It was a good adventure, even though it's kind of truncated in this story.

I'm tired.

All Time Low 20 days.

Who would've thunk it- one more math exercise to go!
Can't say geometry and i are bestfriends, but he's warming up to me.

Favourite Video Clips ever!










I Love Biology!

Places i could be at- right now:

At the city. Supporting my two good friends who are auditioning for Australian Idol. We were going to drive to the city at 4am, and neither of my parents liked this idea.

Watching the Jonas Brothers movie!(Not a big fan- Nick is cute though) with Danielle and PK from work. I bailed out because i was lead to believe i would be doing the former.

What i'm supposedly doing:

Four freaking math exercises (Geometry can die Avogadro's number of deaths)
English homework
Chemistry Study
Biology Study

What i'm really doing:

Watching the You Belong With Me- Taylor swift video for the bajillionth time.
Staring at a blank word document which many many words will soon reside!

Acts of non conformity

I read this article regarding conformity- but more specifically on the concepts of: diffusion of responsbility and the bystander effect.
This article lead me to perform one act of non conformity everyday this whole week and observe reactions.

Wednesday:
Skipped from the canteen to where we hang. I had to skip around people- very awkward-i felt too happy to scan faces but this one guy i skipped around thought i was mental- i was half hopping because he was in my way.

I wore a 50 cent tag, never realised the benefits of doing so.

Cameron- Skipped on our way to the bus stop and pretended to hitchhike, ahh i was laughing so much.


Today:
Wore an apple sticker on my chin- forgot about it until cwiz said 'wtf bev' and laughed out loud.

The happenings are rather bland.
I had oxigeno (piltaes+ yoga) today, it was so relaxing. It totally kicked titration's ass- sick of measuring water and getting depressed about being innacurate.
I'm such a funny bunny at times, i get so caught up about the little things.
Anywho- recess and lunch have become antisocial sessions, I'm forced to read because everyone is listening to their ipods and playing solitaire.
Then Cwiz is always talking about the PM Series (twitter time, twitter time!) . Poop, i suck for not watching Rove, i mean i suck all together for not watching TV, except for Merlin.
It's just not as entertaining as before, the only thing i really watch- about once a month in rotation is: The Simpsons, Rules of Engagement and How I Met Your Mother, and Friends reruns. The last thing i watched was the Simpsons last week- Box factory episode.
I don't even get to watch Sunrise in the morning! (news source: CNN on twitter)
Because I'm always almost late! I was almost late for the bus this morning, so i wore two completely different socks, left the house with an empty stomach and half straight hair.
Cameron was successful in saving me a seat on the bus!
Pokemon conversations have died down.
My interent dependency is decreasing...ebbing slowly.
Rambling on.... i'll just admit the happenings are bland.


post script: Alicia is not a sinner.
AAhaha but we might be, singing FTSK songs- but really just singing the parts we know- in no particular order.

Bye bye diencephlons

I traded my black pen with chariseey's blue one.
Favourite pen regained!

Yesterday my sister brought home vegan chocolate (Alter eco made in switzerland, dark chocolate with almond nuts- spells yumm!). She used it as bait to get me off the computer!
Today she bought me a Malcolm X Sparks Note autobiography - which was half random- half logical, since the American Civil Rights movement was a previous area of study.
The thing was she went to Basement Books at Central, and it was 50 cents. I could not believe this. But i was equally glad.
She's getting me more on Tuesday. Must wait till then.

I can't help but think there's a catch.
She's making me help her study the brain, temporal lobes is stuck in my head.
Still indecisive. medicine versus media and communications



Going basement books and the NSW state library, day trip with charisse and gyndee!
Doing nerdy things. I love the city




I feel that i'm back to normal now.
Had an emo moment with alicia today, walked around the whole school twice.
reflective mode spent pacing and making straight lines in the dirt.
Hmm.

It has become evident (after ransacking every pen-selling store) that my favourite pens have disappeared off the face of this planet. That or retailers have made a conscious decision to never ever stock my favourite pens again.
Yay for K-Mart at least they sell the black one's, i was so desparate for these pens that i asked the lady if they had stock, as expected i got the 'what we have there is what we have' response.
Screw you.


Subscribed
Nerd World- Time Magazine.


New font phase.
Size 10 Cambria.

Reading
The God Of Small Things.
It's beyond description.

Listening
Nothing Better- The Postal Service

i do need my friends.
i'll remember this.

Every little mistake i make is being amplified.
Added to the bank of my incompetency, my inadequacy, my inability to fulfill these expectations.
I don't know what's happened. I'm growing frustrated, it seems that everything i do ,i lack the confidence i once had. People point out my faults and i grow more conscious of what i'm lacking.
I don't want to tell other people, because i'd only get self pity. What am i supposed to say? Am i suppose to fish for compliments?
No that's not me. I have to find a way out of this abyss.
Believe in myself.
I used to think i could do anything, even when i failed.
What the fuck is happening.

Am I falling or flying? It's impossible to distinguish between the two. Two distinct feelings, yet i can't say i'm flying and i can't say i'm falling.
Where am I?
Am I suddenly indecisive? The one who falls a little and flys a little- but can never touch the clouds, can never see the stars...can never be there.
Stuck in the middle.
But there's no place for me. This parachute won't hold me up for much longer and i want control, the control that comes with flight.
I'm sick of being a puppet. I want to pick myself up when I fall.

Reading some of my posts is like fruitlessly trying to reframe myself in a self portrait i was never in. I can't believe the amount of things i spill and how much of myself seeps into this. There's frustration, the slight fragrance of cynacism, masked sarcasm. I'm writting as if everything matters and these memories are all i have. I write to myself most of the time, and i can see at times where i thought things mattered, and certain people read this.... My mind over thinks when i'm awake at 1 am

Truncate

A blinding glow
is the street light’s luminescence
you’re eyes
a savage white
equally bright,
though bloodshot
when you strain to see,
the ghost of existence and what isn't there.
a web of capillares,
like the roads
that lead to nowhere.
flickering, ebbing, diffusing...
controlled by the night, controlled by the search.

the middle

Yesterday:

University of Sydney:


Ceremony was in a hogwarts-esque building.

Girl sitting next to me was named Emma Watson. "No Hermione crack jokes please!"

All the boys were nate archibald-esque, albeit the asian boys.

I made friends with a girl named Anastasia, we were mocking all the high class kids,
who had blazers with their extra cirricular actvities embroidered onto them. It was just like woah, aren't they something! (I inadvertently/ ahem not really obscured my school emblem with my tag-a. because no one had heard of my school b. it's a class c school compared to everyone else's! c. thus i shan't draw attention to myself, in such a hobbo state. bahahahaha! )

I could hear snippets of conversations, and everyone was just talking about
school. "Oh yes, Absolute Values..." "No i find english easier.." Funny that.

It was apparent that the University were handpiciking students . ( Count on the amount of times the vice chancellor guy said "i hope all of you attend this university!" comes to a grand total of 158522222!)

I thought it was pretty cool though, i really want to go there.