Goodbye

Goodbye exams. Goodbye year 11. Goodbye my many obsessions. Goodbye Ben.

Ben is leaving. He quit.
We're trying to organize a surprise party for him.
Danielle is bringing Taylor Swift's album, so we can piss him off for the last time ever. You Belong With Me will be on repeat on Sunday.
Danielle and I are quiting soon. Hahah we decided that we'd study for math together for HSC year, and the time has come.
Ahh I will sure miss these days.

Other news Alicia and I are going to Newtown on Friday.

Exams are over.
YEAR 11 FREAKING over.

When i enter the school gates via the school bus driven by my bespectacled, kerb ignoring bus driver i will be in year 12.
Tucker says i have an omnious way of phrasing things, and it makes him shit bricks.
Ha
Ha
Ha.

EVERYTHING MATTERS.
SUDDENLY I'M THE ONE WHO'S SAYING DON'T WORRY.

better be prepared

I'm freaking out.


a
h
h
h
h
h
h
h
h

fuck you holiday mode
you fucked me up.

I gotta hold you somehow

Sometimes I feel displaced, like bits of dust.

This morning I watched the patches of light on my ceiling
flicker and fade.

I saw dust too,
So I closed the blinds and slept some more, dreamt some more.

Sky.

Today is beautiful.

Edward Cullen can die from speeding and I wouldn't care serzly

Charisse agrees that fictitious boys are very much hotter than real life boys.
Because ideally they are idealistic.

This is my list.

1. David from All American Girl
2. Ron Weasley
3. Winthrop from The Sisterhood Of Travelling Pants
4. Brian McBrian from " "
5. Miles Halter from Looking For Alaska (he's just smart)
6. Collin from An Abundance of Katherine's
7. Mr Bingley. LOL he looks nice in the movie.
8. Fang in Maximum Ride.
9. I guess i should read more YA
10. guess i should read more YA

lonely, lonely

I do not
like
the prospect
of studying
the Indian Mutiny.
Damn Modern History prelims.

there are footsteps to follow,
but paths that lead elsewhere

It's days like these were you feel like a you could drift
away.


**

So I was told that everything I write has way too much emotion in it.
And honestly I think I fail at writing if I'm disconnected.
My English creative writing story, is perhaps a testament to this.
I hope it's all okay though :)

Did Bio today, I think it went well.
Math was good :) I finished early because i thought it ended at 2.07 but it was 2.37,
and i rushed through it.
Kind of.
I think.
But i went back and checked.
I didn't solve the trig identity at the end, so yeah. 3 marks POOF.
I can only solve them sometimes. But i did try, but i put cos^2A at the end, instead of just cosA


Studies of Religion and Chemistry on Monday
Extension English and History on Wednesday.

then 2 weeks and I'm in year 12.
Last year of high school.
Every mark counts.

Sing me to sleep.

I like the universe.

Maybe we're all just floating,
like balloons severed from strings.
wind blown and lost.

Sometimes I feel like
everything,
is,
tangible, within reach,
from the thread in my sweater,
to the feeling I get inside
when I am certain that
it could
never ebb
never fade
staying forever,
infinitely real.

There are clouds
cirrus, cumulus, alto cumulus
nimbus cumulus?
the dark ones.
but mine is a wispy one, that floats above me,
always within reach.

Sometimes it's hard to put a face to any song,
it still is.
Most of the time, you can't see the movie in my head.
or the soundtrack that plays
But I love this song,
it is my song.
lacking a melody,
lacking lyrics,
it's silence,
punctuated only
by long intervals of inchoate humming.

I know this is messy.
I know I am messy,

but I hope this serves for the hour.

I don't know what I did wrong, or how you could possibly be mad at me.
You keep your feelings so close inside.
Are we even friends still?

Can You Still Feel The Butterflies?

It's nearing 3 am.

Dear non existent person,
I have preliminary exams.

English Advanced: Monday week 1
Biology & Math: Thursday week 1
Chemistry & Studies of Religion: Monday week 2
Modern History & English Extension: Wednesday Week 2.

Thursday onwards: Party on!

Ahh confusion, I knew it would be back.

I have a PUPPY :)

His name is Sirius and he is a black Pomeranian.

today the sky is on fire.

Funny how we have the capacity to spontaneously combust.

laugh out loud.

So I ran to the front counter, where the receipt machine shoots out blank pieces of would be receipts, and coincidentally, Ben (Not manager Ben, guitar playing Ben, aisle 2 Ben, distant glances Ben, the one with the girlfriend Ben) popped into sight.

The thing was I was not serving the entire day, & the servery was empty and I was running because i needed blank pieces of paper to do quizzes with Manager Ben.
And yes, whilst I was running he was advancing towards the servery.
And I don't know about you, but I bet he was more inclined to believe I was running because I was really eager, rather than 'hey she's running because she can't wait to find out whether she's got bitchy tendencies, on page 16 of Dolly'

I dislike Short Stack. Tis the age of the understatement though.

Caption: I have cleavage


So cassie brought DOLLY to work, & Ben and I were doing the quizzes.
And we were able to determine that:
a. I am not fashion conscious. (I apologise for not knowing what Coco Chanel looks like)
b. Ben is accidentally bitchy. (he had all boxes ticked)
c. SHORT STACK is the best. (cough, cough, choke....I'm dead)
d. Oh yes, the freaking twilight obsession has not died down.
e. Teeny girls are still anticipating the NLO.
f. Oh sorry, get with it. NLO stands for 'next literary obsession'

YES, in case you didn't know TWILIGHT is 'literature'

Quote of the Day: (BEN) Which one's Andy! seriously I know his dad...err okay i don't know his dad but I have his dad on myspace! His about me section says, 'hey i'm Andy's dad'
*cough* fag.

Ben is my manager, he made me make a sign.








The black smileys were unsolicited.












Also, my shift today was unsolicited. PK messaged me at 8.30am, telling me to come to work at 10pm, and i semi raged it when he called later, so he gave the phone to Ben. LOL.

Monosyllabic mad.

Wishing for the feeling to ebb,
but anticipating its return.




She's a genius- JET. Is on repeat.

I'm Happy If You're Happy With Yourself.

I Love it.
I barely had to do anything.
Goodbye 'i think', you washed the certainty away yourself.

I don't care if I'm not making sense.
I have my whole life ahead of me and so many people I love.
And I'm going to make it.


I shall now make a smoothie and curse every bad thought I had.
I deem you suppressed.

Perhaps I should finish reading 1984.
Maybe I should stop sleeping late & begin reading the Big Sleep or Infinite Jest.

I am going to Borders at Macarthur today with my dad and so I shall stock up.
I'm leaving for the Summer, so i intend to fill my suitcases with books, or I'll buy craploads at The National Bookstore in Manila.
And I'd probably have to bring my school books so I can study and whatnot.

I am going to check out the telescopes at the National Geographic store, today as well.
Even though I have absolutely no time to stargaze and will probably not end up buying one.

I want a car.

Serzly.

How awesome are these?

awkward sentiments.

Make me a perfect sentence that encapsulates everything you feel.
Because all I have are a string of words, punctuated by comma's where they do not belong.

Halcyon days make you believe you're drenched in bliss,
even after you're convinced yesterday's scent is permanent.

I stand and feel disheveled.
But I am told I have not used the word correctly.
It reminds me of Quintin & Margo.
Of Paper Towns

Of not wanting to be where you are.
Of wishing you didn't do what you did and wishing maybe you still had the friends you were so determined to lose.
Or the friends you had, and let slip away.

I have realised that,
You cannot justify everything,
we do not live in a Deterministic universe
& despite the fact that I cannot wrap my head around what is happening,
I embrace the feeling,
Because waiting for it to fade and wishing it were a phase,
Would mean suppressing the only good thing I have.

But I am pretty sure this is all in my head.
And I am blessed with so many other beautiful things,
My family. And I would never want to disappoint them.
I can't do it.
I would be trading two very different types of happiness,
the one that exists and the one that lives only within the confines of my mind,
but tries too hard to break free.

There has yet to be a person in my life, that has made boundaries obsolete.
The truth is, I feel distance and disconnection.
Yet I hold on to the frayed end,
I hold on to the idea, that this could be a possibility.

----


The zephyr likened to a spring day.

We are all just floating.
Waiting for the perfect zephyr to carry us.
Far away.

You said to keep me in your pocket

Preliminary exams in 1 week & a bit.
I have not completed my chemistry or biology notes. Nor have I attempted to collect textual evidence for extension english.
I want to study, hard core.
So maybe I'll just go.

open your heart to the bliss

It's 1.42 am, approx.
I don't feel sleepy, but I should.
The only reason I'm online is because I felt compelled to blog.
I've listened to two beautiful songs in a row, and it makes me not want to sleep.

Thing's that are rendering sleep superfluous at the present moment:


I'm worried that at the rate things are going, next term I will be completely devoid of a personality, I don't want to be overly consumed in my studies, but I do want to achieve a 98.55 ATAR.
I want to go to the University Of Sydney,

And another thing,
A beautiful truth: people are people & sometimes the one person you believed to be perfect, is not. As an outsider it's so easy to convince yourself that your judgment is correct and that nothing could be done to change it.
And when you opinion is changed, you change as a person.

I do hope he realises.


---

My study table/ space

• ATAR Cut Off for USYD
  
• University booklets
  
• Media & Communications brochure for the University of Sydney.
• Collage of quotes ( from Napolean Bonaparte to JK Rowling)
• A plethora of post its!
  

It's 2 am now,
My thoughts are empty.
Perhaps.

I knew it was coming but i hoped for the best.

What is wrong with me?
I'm crying all over the place.
And i can't write.