27/10/09

I feel so out of it.
It’s hard to laugh
Easy to cry
Hard to stop
Hard to suppress

There are many things I look forward to.
None of them too soon

Sometimes I feel like starting university, is like starting over again.
I mean-you can be a different person, or at least a changed person.
There’s no expectation for you to be quiet or loud or funny
Just the real you

And sometimes I find that I am not really me
Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
People are there but there’s nothing connecting me to them
Just
Severed ties

I’m not interesting, just odd
I’m not funny, just stilly

I talk and it’s like no one listens
So I think and listen to myself

I mull things over in my head.
I don’t voice them out loud because no one really cares and I don’t want them to pretend they do.
I think about things
Most of the time I think about being somewhere else

And the kind of hope I rely on is the idea that there’s someone else there that’s like me.
That in this vast landscape I’m not the only tree with blue leaves.

I don’t quite understand