I'm Happy If You're Happy With Yourself.

I Love it.
I barely had to do anything.
Goodbye 'i think', you washed the certainty away yourself.

I don't care if I'm not making sense.
I have my whole life ahead of me and so many people I love.
And I'm going to make it.


I shall now make a smoothie and curse every bad thought I had.
I deem you suppressed.

Perhaps I should finish reading 1984.
Maybe I should stop sleeping late & begin reading the Big Sleep or Infinite Jest.

I am going to Borders at Macarthur today with my dad and so I shall stock up.
I'm leaving for the Summer, so i intend to fill my suitcases with books, or I'll buy craploads at The National Bookstore in Manila.
And I'd probably have to bring my school books so I can study and whatnot.

I am going to check out the telescopes at the National Geographic store, today as well.
Even though I have absolutely no time to stargaze and will probably not end up buying one.

I want a car.

Serzly.

How awesome are these?

awkward sentiments.

Make me a perfect sentence that encapsulates everything you feel.
Because all I have are a string of words, punctuated by comma's where they do not belong.

Halcyon days make you believe you're drenched in bliss,
even after you're convinced yesterday's scent is permanent.

I stand and feel disheveled.
But I am told I have not used the word correctly.
It reminds me of Quintin & Margo.
Of Paper Towns

Of not wanting to be where you are.
Of wishing you didn't do what you did and wishing maybe you still had the friends you were so determined to lose.
Or the friends you had, and let slip away.

I have realised that,
You cannot justify everything,
we do not live in a Deterministic universe
& despite the fact that I cannot wrap my head around what is happening,
I embrace the feeling,
Because waiting for it to fade and wishing it were a phase,
Would mean suppressing the only good thing I have.

But I am pretty sure this is all in my head.
And I am blessed with so many other beautiful things,
My family. And I would never want to disappoint them.
I can't do it.
I would be trading two very different types of happiness,
the one that exists and the one that lives only within the confines of my mind,
but tries too hard to break free.

There has yet to be a person in my life, that has made boundaries obsolete.
The truth is, I feel distance and disconnection.
Yet I hold on to the frayed end,
I hold on to the idea, that this could be a possibility.

----


The zephyr likened to a spring day.

We are all just floating.
Waiting for the perfect zephyr to carry us.
Far away.

You said to keep me in your pocket

Preliminary exams in 1 week & a bit.
I have not completed my chemistry or biology notes. Nor have I attempted to collect textual evidence for extension english.
I want to study, hard core.
So maybe I'll just go.

open your heart to the bliss

It's 1.42 am, approx.
I don't feel sleepy, but I should.
The only reason I'm online is because I felt compelled to blog.
I've listened to two beautiful songs in a row, and it makes me not want to sleep.

Thing's that are rendering sleep superfluous at the present moment:


I'm worried that at the rate things are going, next term I will be completely devoid of a personality, I don't want to be overly consumed in my studies, but I do want to achieve a 98.55 ATAR.
I want to go to the University Of Sydney,

And another thing,
A beautiful truth: people are people & sometimes the one person you believed to be perfect, is not. As an outsider it's so easy to convince yourself that your judgment is correct and that nothing could be done to change it.
And when you opinion is changed, you change as a person.

I do hope he realises.


---

My study table/ space

• ATAR Cut Off for USYD
  
• University booklets
  
• Media & Communications brochure for the University of Sydney.
• Collage of quotes ( from Napolean Bonaparte to JK Rowling)
• A plethora of post its!
  

It's 2 am now,
My thoughts are empty.
Perhaps.

I knew it was coming but i hoped for the best.

What is wrong with me?
I'm crying all over the place.
And i can't write.