Swim

You can't douse these flames.
I'm a strong girl and I shine bright on my own.

So come October I'll be very proud!

I love ...essays?

I drove around town (an obstacle course for L platers) after work and I came home just before it rained. I went into the gallery and found the window open and to my dismay I found a waterlogged copy of Cambridge 2 Unit Mathematics-my favourite textbook. How could you not love its glossy pages filled with mathematically challenging and diverse exercises?

I just want to eat it sometimes. Oh to digest its brilliance and feel within you such awesomeness.

Only kidding. But seriously I think it's a sign- that I shouldn't be doing math!

NYE & School

I might not drop 2 Unit Mathematics after all. But I'm so goddamn adamant! I love math. I really do. But if it's stopping me from achieving a 98.55 ATAR then I want nothing to do with it.

I'm asking myself if I really want to be a journalist. I'm taking the UMAT in July- and that's for freaking Medicine! I don't know.

It's the New Year in less than 24 hours. Let's see what it brings.

I'm just going to drive around aimlessly now.


If I get above 85% for the first Math exam of the HSC then I'll consider keeping it.

17

It's my birthday today and I'm currently experiencing a whole new level of boredom- on account of my mum and two sisters leaving for the Philippines today. They'll be back in 4 weeks, so I'm stuck here with my dad and older brother.I'm always getting left behind and it kind of sucks, but I guess I chose this. Silly me.

We ate lunch after wards and then I came home and collapsed on my bed. I do this at least once every day. It's New Years Eve tomorrow... and I can't fathom what we'll do.

I learned how to use the washing machine so I guess I'll be doing the laundry. Hooray for that.

My brother is inviting me to dinner with his friends and to see Avatar at iMax. I think I'll have to accept this offer on account of my being bored.

Bee days and fairies

Today is such a halycon day. I can't account for the speed to which today is passing. I woke up at 12pm- I'll explain this:

It was my party yesterday! Everyone I invited came except for my cousin. We ate and played Band Hero for aeons-this was punctuated by kodak moments,cake cutting and gift opening! Charisse got me the Arctic Monkeys Live at the Apollo! I was so happy when I opened it :) And I still am! She also got me an indie book mark & a Little Miss Birthday book! Cwizzy and Christina got me a Mooks tee, Alicia a hand made puppy sized elephant! Kevin gave me moolah, Gyndee got me a monkey and a toy flower :) and Marianne (my brother's girlfriend) got me Tommy Hilfiger's True Star Gold (It smells nice) and a Miffy stuff toy! :O. It was lots of fun! & when everyone was gone my big sisters friends took us to McDonalds (it was like 2am) and we ate aahahaha. I was full but I still managed to eat a cheeseburger and fries.

So I slept at 3am- thus explaining why I awoke so late during the day.

I watched a bit of the Arctic Monkeys DVD then I read the Death of the Author and collapsed on my bed.
My mum and sisters are leaving tomorrow- which happens to be my actual bee day.
It will be sad and I don't know :( 28days is a long time.

Sigh.

edit: Rosanna got me a $30 iTunes card and I have no eye deer what to buy with it!

You know what? I really cannot wait to grow up and travel. I hate that my parents don't care for it,and that we never go anywhere besides the Philippines. I really want to go the Wizarding World of Harry Potter next year. You think they'd say yes considering I've just finished the HSC and school. Why would I want to spend two months in the Philippines by myself? It doesn't make sense.

Nothing feels fair anymore. I don't care if I'm being crabby but it's so freaking boring. I don't know what will make me happy anymore

Highlight of my day

Watching my dad and big brother chase Sirius out in the front yard.

High Fidelity

I had to do this. I found my charger and I'm blogging in the dark (I've turned into an insomniac)

So I've been inspired by Rob Flemming in High Fidelity to compile my own top five lists. This is all subject to change.

Top Five Films

1.Lars and the Real Girl
2.Juno
3.Pan's Labyrinth
4.500 Days of Summer
5.A Walk to Remember

Favourite Records (singles)

1. There Is a Light That Never Goes Out- the Smiths
2. El Scorcho- Weezer
3. Hold Me Down- Motion City Soundtrack
4. After Hours- We Are Scientists
5. Baby You're My Light- Richard Hawley

Five Dream Jobs

1.Surgeon
2.Time Magazine journalist
3.The owner of a diverse bookstore
4.
5.

So that was Christmas

My Macbook is on 8% battery so this will be relatively short.
I have to admit that Christmas was completely devoid of meaning. We didn't attend mass this year or say a prayer before we ate dinner. I wish we had though, like before-things seemed to matter more when I was a kid.
But I love Christmas eve. I usually open one present early because I hate to wait. My favourite present this year would have to be the gift my sister gave me- it was Homer's the Odyssey! I thought it was extremely thoughtful.

It's my birthday in four days. My mother is getting me a Pandora charm bracelet. My brother got his girlfriend a charm necklace for Christmas and I was browsing through the catalogue and I mentioned how I really wanted one. My big sister also said she'd get me a charm before I did my HSC and one after I graduate! I think it would have to be the best birthday present I have not yet received.

I really want to go General Pants! I need new clothes!

Maturity

I can go from loving something to hating it the next minute. For example I was super excited that Owl City were touring with Cobra Starship next year, now I really couldn't care. I listened to 'their' entire album, and it sounded like Hellogoodbye and the Postal Service fused together except it was only 1/4 of the Postal Service. The Postal Service are too brilliant to be compared to Owl City. But I have to admit that the song Vanilla Twilight is very cutesy and very catchy.

El Scorcho by Weezer is number one on my playlist. I love Ludo,Weezer and Motion City. I am a sucker for clever lyrics.

Anywho, I was watching Gossip Girl last night. I'm very anti-Gossip Girl but I have to admit that it is quite interesting. They are really all just a bunch of superficial kids who have everything but don't appreciate it. They mess up their own lives.

I'm having a small party at my house to celebrate my 17th Birthday. It'll be two days before my birthday but I think it'll be fun! I haven't seen my friends since school ended and I really wanted to see everyone before the New Year. I only invited five of my closest friends and now everyone thinks I fear no one turning up and that I only have five friends! Well my big sister thinks so at least. I've never been a party girl. Parties around here are so overrated, kids get drunk and table dance. It is really an awful sight. WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT? Oh that's right, flushed down the toilet like your vomit.

How close is close enough?

Everything has been so bland. There's a fortress around my heart. And for the tenth time I'm admitting that I fall in love with ideas not people. Ideas latch on to the walls of my mind, and the more adhesive they become the more hungry I get to turn these ideas into something tangible.

For the sake of my sanity, I really do hope I get to go to the Philippines. I really need a change of atmosphere. I at first resolved that I'd go nowhere, that I'd stick to studying and hanging out with friends at local haunts during the summer. But I figured that that isn't possible.

I'm kind of scared that I'll be traveling all by myself. I imagine being on a plane for eight hours by myself, sitting next to complete strangers and occupying myself with my iTouch-although I don't think I could resist talking to the currently non existent strangers.For example yesterday I saw a kid with a pet bird on his shoulder and as uncanny as it was I couldn't help but smile at him. Also sometimes I feel obliged to smile at people that walk past me, just to be polite and neighborly.

So I'm decisive now. I want to go. I want to get away. This is me falling in love with another idea. But I figure if I go it would be good, kind of like Lena going to Greece. I'm not betting on meeting a Kostos. I don't really care for boys. I'm apathetic at the moment because I end up just hating myself for ever liking anyone when they let me down. And trust me- I've been let down quite a bit.

I've had enough of high maintenance people who require constant attention and acquire instant gratification through moping around. People who chose not deal with the consequences and try to attain happiness by dragging everyone else down to their level of shitness. This has become a rant. But I'm through with people who are all talk no action.

Beverly became a fan of being your own person.

We dictate our own sense of personal happiness despite the fact that external factors have the most sway. Sure, we can feign happiness and pretend that life is great, that our friends love us and we've found the perfect niche at school. You've got to lose friends to make some, right?

I was irked at first but I've learned a lot. Belonging does not manifest itself in attire, nor does it manifest itself in speaking just like everybody around you. You have a set of friends that may not like everything you like and understand all your idiosyncrasies, but they're their for you, not just for the joy rides, the finite moments of elation but for the long run, for the here and now.

Normandie and Boston are but a few places to run away to.

I have a sore throat.
Never again will I drink a Golden Gaytime Krusher.

I hate this.

Last day of school: 2009

It has been such a great year, despite the speed to which it passed.
The best math teacher I've had for ages has left to go to London to teach at The Oratory.
I teared up twice today, because he's such an awesome teacher. The box we filled with gifts was really emotional because everyone just gathered round to read all the tags. I put tags on each of the objects, explaining why we got him what we got.
And now I'm just imagining which teacher will care enough to check I've done every math exercise conceivable.
So next year we'll enter Math class and be so displaced.

Great

The Temper Trap
The Sundance Kids
The Grates
Amy Meredith
Wolfmother

Sometimes I feel like Alice

Dear Self,

All of the world
the tinges of gray and violet swirls,
are but mismatched patterns and mismatched colours
they do not blend

Let's Drift Away

It's almost comical how I don't want to be here.
I didn't know I had such a short temper.
People piss me off and I get so frustrated, and I have so many things to say but I can't.
It's sad because I know the reason why I can't.

Negative thoughts transpire, words that pierce surface, and my mind conjures the scenario as if it will one day happen. I imagine myself saying what I want, and sometimes that suffices.

I smile at the idea of other peoples expectations,
how indifferent people are
how some people lack etiquette and overall politeness.

That's what you get for being fucking nice.

To hell with the new shit, whether or not you think you fit in

I don’t know if we’re programmed to be blind, indifferent and sheep like.
But I know we’ve got our faults
So we’ve got a world, with people telling us
How to act
How to dress
How to be beautiful
How to be:
Insecure

There’s a comfort in being complimented, and there’s albeit redundant, a greater comfort in being complimented more than once.


Djdudgdh
I have so many things to say.
A word to define
And yet syllables
And sentences refrain from forming

I’m still too boring to tell people what I think.



****

I sketch invisible monsters in my notebook and wonder if the world could ever look this way again.
Class is mundane, and the only spectacle to be seen (besides my pterodactyl hovering in a pattern of blue lines) is the pink hydrangea on the window sill. I feel compelled to comment: “It reminds me of Tuesday’s With Morrie” but no one would get it. At least I don’t think so.

the lights keep switching off




You can't stand the dark

But the tungsten has been used up,
and you can't help but feel used too

did you know Emily Dickinson, was extremely introverted?

Plato's a bitch, and so is his cave.