vitamin c tablets!

Thank you cwiz miester! (i don't know if thats how you spell it, as i have not encountered a bottle of jaeger miester ever.)
Thank you! because now i know what it is those orange mints remind me of.
We were in chemistry and i was eating my mints (Lab Rule No.#3 Broken!) , and i offered cwizzy some.
This was the conversation.

Me: Tastes like childhood.
Cwiz: thinks
20 seconds later
Cwiz: VITAMIN C TABLETS!
Me: Sad realisation.

It totally is! When i was in year 3, i use to have to take vitamins, i'm not sure if they're vitamin c tablets, but they were in the shape of koala bears, and i used to hate taking them, but my mum always made me. Cwiz also had to eat those koala bear vitamins. I think we were in year 5 and we still had to take them.
Aaaahaha freaking vitamin kids.

Well yes.
I'm still addicted to the mints.
What can you do, really.
If you're hooked you're hooked for life.



I made coffee for my big sister yesterday, and that way she'd drop me off to work.
Turns out she totally got sick from it! ahahahaa she has a stomach bug apparently.

Whats with corn in a cup.
I was at Westfields just then, and they are selling corn in a cup.
Freaking weird.
Ahaha and we went to Big W as well, these pens were advertised as "Managers Special $1.87" and when i scanned them, it totally said $2.28.
This is the funny part.
My sister took the tag, and when we were going to pay for it, she told the lady, and the lady gave it to us for $1.87.

Big Sister: Looks at me. What!? it's not about the money, its about the pride.
Me: LMAO
Me: Its a matter of 30 cents.

Guess i must now. Study for Mathematics Exam, tomorrow.
Extension English Essay.
The sad part is, T.S Elliot however emo he was, had a pretty spot on perception of humanity.

Oh also, i got my invite to the University of Sydney Awards Ceremony.
I'm excited, because i got this award last year back in year 10, For academic excellence, and i got this rad award, where i get like a book voucher thing, and i'm excited at the prospect of getting a crap load of books and just reading it for a whole week.
The pro's to being a good gal at school :)

And i got my All Time Low tickets :)

when you encounter something that evokes nostalgia

for me, i get frustrated.
because
a. 80% i don't know what it reminds me of!
- take for example right now, i'm eating eclipse orange mints (they are really not that nice, but i'm eating all 50 mints until i know what it is that stirs up my memory!)
b. its similar to that frustration you get when you can't remember a word. ( I used to always forget the word indignant and closure)
c. Its the frustrated you get when, for example right now- when you're printing off a document and when you don't collect it straight away, you're freaking printer decides to take it back thus causing a paper jam! i've removed the damn paper jam, and there's still a red exclamation mark, ughhh



30 mints to go.

a girl brushed red, living in black and white: has a reason to believe !

Very contradictory, i know.
It's me, thrown in a blender of self doubt and belief.
I am suddenly so wanted.
But never mind that.
It's too emo-esque for me.
I wish i could be Girl Of The Year.


I spent the day at Alicia's house. We were supposed to go bike riding but i didn't get to bring my bike because my big sister took the 4wd to work. I was seriously considering bike riding the whole way, but since it was 8 am i was afraid of crashing my bike (microslips!microsleeps!).
We ended up just walking around, making a suprise thing-which i fear exposing so i shan't say, eating food and doing math/religion!

It was heaps fun, haven't been out lately, i'm usually cooped up in a room doing assignments and homework. Totally sucks, but there's no other way around it.
I haven't updated my facebook or twitter status in years.
And i've been so behind in news. I seriously don't watch tv.
I watched Saturday Disney this morning, i forgot how entertaining tv was.





i've got forever on the tip of my tongue-

runaway

problems
erica! i can't access your blog!
blogger confuses me. first peuxpas isn't registered then it goes on about enabling access.



other news.
i'm going to alicia's house tomorrow, going bike riding and doing math study! I have to wake up at 7.30am. Oh my.

i have completed my extension essay.
It was at 12 pm i think?
And i put on poppin' champagne in celebration!
ahaha corny,

before i forget.

The pro's to catching public transport. Namely the school bus

1. In the morning, when you're stifling yawns and fighting to stay awake ( microsleeps! microslips?) its always good to eaves drop.
This morning, this girl from Casula High, was discussing twilight.
This was the conversation.
Girl 1: O-M-G! have you finished yet?
Girl 2: No! O-M-G! i'm up to part where clearasil tells Bella....

Me in my head. Who is Clearasil?...LMAO (sad realisation) Carlisle

I'm not a twilight fan.
Thank god.


Thats my pro.

Whats with people naming their dog's lucky!?

It's such a sucky name.











My dad is leaving for Philippines tonight,
my extension essay is shaping up and my sister is getting me All Time Low tickets tomorrow.
weightless! it's on repeat, and because their new album is "Nothing Personal"
i get to say "i hate you, Nothing personal!"

Anyways, getting ready to go to the airport.

T.S Elliot was emo, and my previous post was, unintentionally

ahaha my lost post was accidental! i had no acces to a computer so i was using my big sister's i-touch and i was on blogger, but the text box only came up for the title and not for the body. And i accidently pressed publish, and i was like ..ohh screw it.
So yeah! i am not sad or anything! Thanks for being concerned Erica.
i've realised that some of my blogs are kind of sad...
but not to worry! blogging is part of the process.
and i've also realised (sad realisation #1.) that i need to blog.
everything's been so chaotic, so much homework and assesments. I have three next week. A math exam, extension english essay and two essays for Religion.

Extension english essay must be memorised and written by tuesday, and i haven't started so i'm starting as soon as i finish this blog, and i'll hopefully get it done by friday. Friday is a pupil free day so i'll be at home studying for math and hopefully finishing Religion. - which i have not started.


oh how depressing, i planned my week.
at least i'm going bike riding with alicia on saturday.
and then work on sunday,


my life
yawn.

Lost

I'm empty like the Wasteland that TS Elliot decided to write so future english students would be tortured at the thought of writing an essay about it.

i have so many things to do!
but i want to do other things.
freaking stressing out.

I don't ever feel like writing anymore. Whats happening?
This shit is challenging.
I have a vague idea about what i'm going to write about.
But there are so many things to write about.
Did you know that TS Elliot in the Burial of the Dead, had written one allusion every two lines?
How do i know this?, perhaps i read the Cambridge freakin introduction to the Wastleand, and the two other 10 page hand outs- last night.

I can do it.

move to new york.

i got my licence today.
finally,
i would always say i'm going to get it, but i never end up going!
wasn't very major.
Girl taking the test next to me, screamed out loud when she heard that she had passed.

I only tolerated the microsoft sam-esque voice for two seconds, so i shoved the headphones some place because the volume button wouldn't work. Then i passed.
Then i smiled.
And had to get a picture taken to put on my licence.
I wasn't smiling! I just look bored.
Sucks.

I drove around this new neighborhood with like two houses, ahaha and i crashed into the gutter.
Not very eventful, my dad was very tolerant of my suckynes..

if i could ever see the way you understand me

so glad i caught the bus today.

i miss myself.
i was there yesterday.
reflected in the glass
i wasn't here today
felt it inside.

i don't even know why i am posting this. i guess its about time

I never really liked the songs you recommended me.
Now that i look back on it, i was stupid . Stupid for thinking we could be really good friends.
And i'm completely over it. Just one final blog, not that you'll ever read it. Not that you even care. I'm just saying you look like a fool. If you beg to differ, i'll cut you some slack, you just act like one. You think you're too cool, too cool to talk to me.
Yeah, cos i'm way down the social ladder, and you're right up the top, right?
ahh yeah definitely.
my sarcasm always sucks.


I think i've made it plainly obvious. You're just too oblivious to realise, or perhaps too apathetic. Whatever.
There's so much hatred? No, dislike/annoyance/anger.
I don't even know why!
Maybe its because you think i wouldn't be hurt.
You think that you could just go on talking, talking about her to my face, and not think i'd care.
I don't now.
But i felt really chosen over.
Don't you get it?
It really hurts.
When you're apparently not good enough. Not even when you want to, or try to.
I didn't even want that.
I look at her, and then me.
What is it, am i weird? not pretty enough? just completely fucked up because i'm fucking different to all the other girls? because i read a lot? because i fucking like shit other girls don't like?
its you thats not good enough.
i fucking sound like i'm up myself.
but i deserved fucking better.
-some guy knew the definitions to the words i used.


Fine.
And this is the last post.
because i am totally over it.
There are a million boys.
better than you.


i'm such a fool.
sometimes i fucking hate myself.
its not like anything happened between us. nothing. and for that im fucking glad, ( you freaking bore the shit out of me, and i feigned interest)
its just complete disgust at myself, for the way i acted, the way i thought you liked me back.
you were so good at pretending.
bet you like knowing it, boosts the self esteem right?

i'll stop now

baby give it up! nanannanaaaa

that song was on the radio when i was on the bus.
totally catchy!

i don't have the compulsion to blog as much! i'm focusing on other things but i also don't want to neglect beneath the mango tree!
i'm putting my all into mathematics!
it's so satisfying when you get an answer right, especially a difficult one!
That makes me motivated enough to continue.


woah, heaps of exclamation marks.
sunny weather makes me happy.
sun for five days straight!

that is all.

This morning i did Exercise 4.7, and wrote out the quadratics formula for every single question!
minus b, plus or minus square root bsquared minus four a c over 2a.
Its insane i can't get it out of my head.
Its like a crap song on repeat.

Sad Realisations for the 15th of March:

1. Get Well! Balloons are extremely imperative.

2. The party down the road, has been the party down the road for five days straight. No Joke.
There's this white tent in the yard, and there are these guys on the front lawn drinking beer, and its like they haven't moved at all. Eloisa tells me that they spent $200 on barbeque coal (she works at the supermarket, so she would know!).

3. I could've choked on the unblended strawberry in my smoothie!

4. I like cheese.

5. I make good sandwhiches!

6. 4 and 5 are Happy Realisations.

7. Jack's Mannequin were on the radio.

8. I have a really bad singing voice.

its a beautiful day!

I'm almost done my modern history speech!
My biggest concern is exceeding the five minute limit!
I'm writing this post because i'm sick of rereading my speech every five minutes, so i'm having a break- listening to music that makes me want to dance! like The Maine, 30H!3 and FTSK.
-you're as fake as the moans you makeeee....- must give credit where credit is due. Maine= awesome lyrics, however superficial some songs are!

Anyways today is a beautiful day!
I volunteered to walk to the bakery and buy fresh bread. Which i regretted, because i ended up walking with a massive bag of 12 rolls and a bag of white slice bread! Then i had to get laundry powder as well.


I just remembered something from thursday.
Talking to Rosaline.
We look around, Josh is spraying lynx about a kilometre away.
Rosaline screams " HEYYYY!! can you not SPRAY THAT!, I HAVE ASTHMA YOU KNOWW!!".
I laughed so much.

Also i remembered last night, I was wondering where Sam went. Then i looked outside, and he was there, standing out in the rain knocking on the clear glass! ahaha i felt so bad, because he was out there for ten minutes. locked out.
So funny though.



I'm listening to this song now: Bob and Bonnie- Houstone Calls!
As the reel spins, so does the room
As their eyes meet all the streetlights they flicker
Glacing outside,
the moon shines bright for them
Does he still look at you the same way now?

I like that part.

you can never eat too many M&M's

its official, i'm addicted.
i bought a 250g bag of m&m's after work,
and i just stood outside the mall eating them in the dark, and then i looked inside and all the m&m's were red.
it made me sad,
the i told myself they all taste the same anyways.
stupid m&m colour break up, my fault for not reading the packet.
Anywho worked sucked, that was the crappest close ever.
Me and Sam didn't even get to do bin run, i did bin run with daniel, who made me do something besides riding on the trolleys.
Sam would always do everything!
Then i told Daniel how Sam would always do everything,
and he's like yeah fine i'll do it, its light anyways.
Yeah you do that.
So i just stood there, and walked back fast.
i was late to work, so much traffic these days. its like everywhere i go there's traffic.
i never knew so many people lived in Prestons.

But work really did suck, it was so sucky.
my sister is buying me tickets to the all time low concert!
damn straight gaskarth

OH MY FREAKING GALL BLADDER MULTIPLIED BY TEN TO THE POWER OF INFINITY

ALL TIME LOW IS FREAKING COMING TO AUSTRALIA!
SYDNEY MANNING BAR.
HOLY CANOLI.
i am freaking going, i don't care.
i've always wanted to go, and i would be thoroughly pissed if i didn't get tickets.
the chances of it selling out are pretty high, knowing that manning bar is such a small place.
But this is brilliant news!
Valencia is coming in May and All Time Low in June.
I hope i can go.
Already Alicia is thinking her mum will only let her go to one. I hope my mum will let me go both. And i don't know which i'd pick if i have to chose,
tough.
I think the tickets will be around $50-70.
And thats decent.
i am excited,
May and June will be the best,
a good time away from exams.
i have a game plan, if my mum doesn't let me go.
i'll get the best results possible for my exams.
then after that, she can't refuse?
I mean i hope so.
But its a good way of challenging myself.


ALL TIME FREAKING LOW: JUNE 5

Fridays, Traffic, M&M's.

i just came back from work.
friday nights suck!
it was really busy!
but it was pretty fun working with ben, pk and corrinne.
i had a really good idea, and i proposed this to ben.
"LETS CLOSE EARLY!"
ahahaha he was really excited about my good idea. And so he was like,
"here are the keys, you can close at 7.58"
And then i was said "What about..."
And he finished off my setence.
"What close at 7.57.40 seconds?"
and i was hard out laughing.
The sad thing was, these plans were totally ruined, we ended up closing at 8.06.
And i just got home- 9.41pm right now.
Ben gave us dessert and stuff.
but i politely refused,
freaking gaining too much weight.
I was in the car, and we were stuck in traffic and i ate a million M&M's.

I also cried today.
We watched Mississippi Burning for Modern History! I can spell Mississippi!!
we used to have this canadian teacher in year 9- and she would always say it, and she'd always say kapishe instead of kapish- freaking don't know how to spell that sorry!-
and thats how i learnt.
i also learnt how to spell rhythm from my music teacher back in year 8.
My point is, its a freaking sad movie.
No one else was crying, am i complete fool?
LOL! how the hell do you watch a guy being lynched with his son crying over his dead body, and not cry? How heartless!!!
We haven't finished it, it was such a cruel cruel place to live.

HOMEWORK!
must do now!

hold my breath wait for your reaction.

I'm really observant.
When i'm at work, i people watch!
But not in a stalker-esque manner!
I simply observe.
Its fun.

Anyways what i'm getting to, is that today was funny.
I laughed a lot!
I laughed at Gyndee when we were english.
I'm bad at telling funny stories, so i won't tell the story. She had the funniest reaction.
I laughed like five times because i kept thinking of it,
Then i laughed at Alicia's expression to something Peter had said.
But i can't remember what he said, but it was like not the right expression! made me laugh!
Sometimes i'm like that.
I came out of modern history. and i was walking past the guy who Alicia and i have a slight crush on. And i was like is that him?...hmm so i was just staring while i was walking! then Alicia was like "BEV! i can see you!" aahaha and cwiz was like "What a stoner!"
Caught in the act! but i was just seeing if it was him! Really, i was!


I've been doodling a lot, i draw a lot of flowers, owing to the fact, that it is probably the only thing i can draw half decently, or perhaps draw at all!
I drew like those cartoons on the corner, and when you flip them it changes. I don't know what they're called. But i drew a flower losing petals! one by one!
AAHAHA then i drew a beach thing, and Gyndee is like, What is that meant to be?
Its a beach duhhh.. but it didn't look anything like one!
So i plan to scan these drawings.
And post them here : )
When i find the time.
I did like two hours of chemistry just then.
Hurts my brain.
NOVAK QUICK QUIZ tomorrow!

better get some sleep!
1 minute past my bedtime,
edit: 6 minutes now.

i just thought i understood

my brain is deceiving me again.
i really thought i knew it.
i hate this not knowing whether i can or can't do it.
it really sucks when there's so much self doubt and you don't have solid evidence to prove you can do it.
i wish i believed in myself more.
don't we all?
but i thought i did believe in myself.
sometimes i just feel like quiting.
this sucks.
okay.
i'm going to change my whole attitude.
i can!
yes i can.
how corny right,
but i really can do anything i put my mind to.
and i will!!
damn straight.

you don't look like a beverly

i am drenched.
no that is not a metaphor!
i am freaking soaked through and i only have myself to blame!
ahaha damn it, we stood at the bus stop in the rain, we were like under the trees.
we are sad people.
sad people without umbrella's!
But luckily Nalisha dropped me home, i had like a kilometre left to walk to get home.
sigh.
i don't want to catch the bus anymore.
freaking hate it, it was packed today and like i sat next to this guy who kept snorting.
ewww right?
and then when the bus was emptier i moved one seat away, and i could still hear him snorting!
i hope i don't get sick.
i hate being sick.

rationalise.

Some days, I have a million things to say and sometimes i don't have anything to say worth discussing.
Thats like writing. Some days my brain is just filled with ideas, as soon as an idea comes to mind, the rest start flooding in and its so difficult to get them all down and expand them.
I was doing my extension english homework, and normally i'd just be blank and force myself to make paragraphs that make sense. And it was weird, i actually had ideas. \

Chemistry today was fun.
Cwiz and I have these ongoing scouting jokes. Our teacher once wore this t-shirt, which cwiz thought looked like a boyscout top.
oh my.
there are about a million jokes associated with scouting.
and i hope they don't get old.
Cwiz and i got the same mark on our chemistry quiz, we cheered ourselved up with this excuse "its just a novak quick quiz!"
indeed, we'll do better next time. LOL when we remember all the valencies.
and me, i remember that flourine is diatomic and don't freaking remember its f, not fl.
exactly.
i don't make sense.


also i played ping pong today!
like wow.
i did something!
ahaha besides sit there and listen to music.

things

I had work yesterday! I ended up working 8 hours instead of 4. It was okay, except i didn't really feel like being there after looking outside. It was perfect sunny again, and it just killed that i couldn't be out there riding my bike or doing something outside.
I had a mango smoothie for my break. I was let down. Curse you mango smoothie! I always have these expectations and 3 quaters of the time they aren't met!
My mathematics is improving. Gone are the days where i would do a question, get bored or distracted, close the text book and do something else. I'm doing my homework and studying! I don't give up as easily too. In fact i don't give up, i do the question until i get the right answer.
Yay for math!
I finished my biology report.
Just have to memorise everything for tomorrow.


I want to start a photo journal! Make it interesting, unleash the non existent/ammateur photographer within!
I'll call it. Photolysis, how chemical right?
I'll take pictures of things.
Yeah.

I tried blogging on my PSP, doesn't work.
I tried updating my twitter through my PSP, doesn't work.
So i just update my facebook status every ten minutes! ahaha.


Back to memorising valencies and doing those english essays!
I need a critical reference for John Donne's Flea or the Ecstasy.
Yay i think i spelt ecstasy right.

i don't wait, i always just let it go

If there's one thing i have learnt that has really affected my perception, it's that people wear masks. Some people look like total dweebs because of the way they act and the way they look- but some of them are not freaking DWEEBS at all. They are pretty smart people.
Don't Judge.

Also i've always wanted to say, that i love captcha's!
I love the blogger one's especially- because they give you these rad one's that half make sense. And i just love to pronounce it to my self.

I got my math results back. 22/25! I was pretty happy with it. I could've gotten 24! but you know what? i am just really silly at times. I freaking didn't write two of my answers in the simplest forms and i got one wrong, but i had it right before but then i crossed it out and wrote an answer close to my original but wrong!. I swear my mind can really screw me. I hate freaking multiple choice in exams. I really do.
I remember in geography, history and english exams for our school certificate trials i only lost marks in the multiple choice sections. And my extended and short responses were full marks!
i am honestly a lost case.

I have two freaking english essays due next week. Just for homework, one of them is for extension the other for advanced.
I have written about four essays in total now. I'm getting better at it! Which is good.
Yay for improvement.

Anyways. I've realised that i get annoyed at people really easily but i have this way of tolerating it until i understand them and eventually accept them. Do you get me? Its only some people. But i'm kind of worried, most of the time i just keep what i think of other people to myself, like if i don't like a person that much- i won't really say anything. I think its because i feel that there's a lot of bitterness when people bitch. It just really sucks. I've listened to people talk about other people, and they just sound so bitter and unaccepting.
But i do express my feelings. I talk to people about whats bothering me.
But there are only a few people that actualy bother listening.
Some people they look at you, realise your sad, ask whats wrong and then when you tell them they don't listen.
I haven't spoken to anyone but Alicia about what i'm feeling.
I told her everything. Almost everything.
And it felt good. She listened, and not many people do that.
I don't want to seem so needy. I miss being independent.
But it freakin' sucks when you're friends are drifting.
And then you try to rationalise, it doesn't matter that they're drifting its not like you'll be friends with the after high school.
Its true though.
And i'm sorry for thinking that. As much as i'd like to think everyone will still be my friends, there's definitely only going to be a couple.

Things are looking better.
Its nearing 1am! i have work today. I don't know what time. Maybe 11.30 am. I should call at 10 and ask. During the summer i was at work pretty much three times a week and i got really close to everyone, hopefully my being there only once a week for what 4 hours won't suck.
I like work sometimes. Its like school except you just don't do intellectual things, unless zac tries to debate you. I challenged him on his freaking male supremacy beliefs and our society being patriarchal. The people i work with are so different to the people i hang around with at school, so its mad.

where do the ducks at central park go during the winter?

It's sunny!
Sunny weather makes me happy. Today is perfect sunny. Not a cloud in the sky. Excuse the cliche expression.
I would love to bike ride, however with the amount of homework, study and assignments i have, this bike ride will remain a desire.
I miss the summer holidays. I would bike ride every afternoon. Wake up at 7 am and go for a jog with Gyndee, Charisse and Cwiz.
I didn't even have to think of school.

I had a math test today.
I think i did pretty okay : )

I wish i was a genius and could understand everything mr chemistry teacher would say without being confused.
I had a sad realisation today. Thursday Week B is perfectly structured.

Period 1: Mathematics
Period 2: Mathematics

Period 3: Chemistry
Period 4: Biology

Period 5: Extension English
Period 6: Advanced English

I freaking got an extension english assignment. 1000 words on how T.S. Elliot represents his perceptions of humanity and attempts to transform his readers perception of their world in The Wasteland.
1000 words, to be written in class on the 31st of March.

Let me write out my assesments

Monday 09 March: Biology
Tuesday 24 March: Modern History
Tuesday 31 March: Extension English
Tuesday 31 March: Mathematics. ( i haven't got this yet- but i checked the assesment calender, so it won't be long till i recieve the notification)


Okay so maybe i should start Biology+Modern History.

if you whispered me the answer, it will just be a whisper

homework. study. assignments.

i will try.
my very best.

i understand now they kind of person i am.
i take things positively.
yeah school's different. much much more difficult now.
but i'm really persistent.

and i was really proud of a mark i got today.
so there's positivity.

i am slipping through

Friends.
Sometimes i feel like i have so many.
Then somedays i question friendships. I question who my true friends are.
I mean i'm no loner,
at times i don't mind sitting alone in class, sometimes i really do love sitting alone and i don't feel the compulsion or need to make a new friend so i don't have to sit alone.
I'm not that shy anymore, i talk to people, i initiate conversations with complete strangers.

But today i felt friendless.
I was walking to the mall alone.
Yesterday i walked to the bus stop alone.
Like i don't mind it. But i'm just trying to say. Loneliness sucks sometimes.
Today i felt really chosen over.
I won't get into particulars. I don't know how many of my school friends read this anonymously.
I bet not that much.

But still.

Oh by the way.

Do you know i don't understand bets. It really sucks. I feel stupid. If you know please tell me how. I don't understand the whole betting thing, this is probably a poor example. 23 to 1. Or something like that. I hope you understand me. And i really hope that is a valid example.

I'm no gambler!



Also yeah getting back to the point.
Then when i went to the mall. I saw Alex, Andrew and Ashley and we spoke for a while.
Then i didn't feel that lonely :)

But i do realise now. I can vaguely distinguish my true friends. I could make a list. And five people would be on it.

they all carry on. they want nothing but to be better off.

When i'm angry i write things. To get everything off my chest. When i read back on what i've written i understand how to move on and i understand what it is that made me angry. At times i laugh at myself because i'm either upset about something pointless or angry at someone who i'm actually not really angry at. It makes me a better person.
I wrote this, in my english book.
I'm pretty sure i wrote it during english.

I am changing
like the tides of the moon
and the phases of the sea
the desolateness of time
the landscape of noon
decipher this
analyse it,
the way you would
crease a brow and exclaim
"i don't get you"
because you don't know-
how i feel.
you can't visualise the pen i write with
the stroke of my hand
the mood it inscribes
and embeds my emotions
ink by ink
You only know the limits of this
language
the gloom in my eyes.

he said lets escape
uncloak the fibres that tie us down
because every signal
every step
is just an action
until its felt.

when i'm thoroughly angry things just flow. i just write whatever, when i read back on it- my head and hands have encapsulated the thoughts, the stream of consciousness.
try it some time.
i'm no poet.

just admit it

some days just really suck.
days just have a way of sucking i guess.
its their thing.

maybe its me, maybe its my perception.
but i can't really say.
i reread the above, and i'm adamant that it is my perception. but how can i change it? how can i change it when the people around me are so thoroughly pissed at life? i know we can't all be happy all the time.
i want to be happy.
but some people, they just have a way of putting me down. when i'm happy they make me feel guilty. and thats the shittest thing someone can do. but i love these people.
and at times i feel like they just pretend to love me back.
have you ever had those days, where you want to runaway?
or those days you wish you were some place else?
some days i just have the strongest urges to get on a plane and live like a recluse.
i know right, its pathetic, and i'm pathetic. we're all pathetic sometimes. maybe me more than anyone else.
next year after the HSC i really want to travel the world. or maybe during Uni, i could do exchange. during that time i want to finish all the half written stories.
i want to feel like i've acomplished something.

_______________________________
things have really changed
i really do feel like a different person.
_______________________________

i don't have a sock drawer by the way-
just wanted to put it out there.
i do have a physical sock drawer but i don't use it.
is that weird?
aren't sock drawers an integral part of life?

also this girl at school she's my friend, anyways she asked about my hair.
questions like:
"where you meant to get it all one length?"
and she kept like freaking analsying it, and going "oh oh"
like if you think it looks shit say it to my face.
i don't give a shit , just cause my hair isn't in layers
and just cause you think it looks like shit.
well i have news for you
your opinion doesn't count.

anyways i have to draw pictures for alex.
i drew cute girrafes+pigs+sheep looking things so jimmy could put it in his folder.
and i promised alex i'd draw some for him, but the thing is i haven't yet and its been about a week now.
i never get the chance in religion anymore, because the teacher starts walking around the classroom.
and alex wants one of each animal that noah put in his ark!

i'm off

beverly is listening to: Represent- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

spilled thoughts

i keep having the same dream.
where i'm supposed to say a speech
but i'm always ill prepared and its unexpected.
i don't have the slightest clue what i'm supposed to say.
but i know the topic in general.
i had a dream we were supposed to say a speech for english and i wrote two lines.
Then last night i had a dream about my speech for modern history, i got called out of the hat and had to say my speech- but i didn't even make a speech and i was begging the teacher for two seconds to fix it up. i was a liar in my dream! fool didn't even have a speech.
this dream is freaking me out.
because i've had it twice now.
and i never really have recurring dreams.... unless you count the one where my dog keeps getting eaten by a lion. oh and the one where i don't pack anything for camp, and and the one where i'm bike riding and i fall into the potholes. Okay maybe i do have a lot of recurring dreams.
but stilll
why am i dreaming about speeches?